Welcome to The Hansie and Brad Show

The scene: a sports studio in M-Net’s Randburg television complex.

A voice announces: “And for their news and views on the one-day international between South Africa and India, we cross to Hansie and Brad.

“Yes folks, TV’s newest sporting team, Hansie Cronje of former glory and betting scandals with Big Bad Brad, who finished in 10th position in the 12-contestant race for the million bucks in Big Brother.

“Together they’ll be providing an insight into today’s exciting tussle at St George’s Park. Hansie with his inside knowledge of the game and Brad with his Bad Attitude.

“And don’t forget folks, you can phone in your questions to our experts on the toll number now on your screens. It’s only R20 a minute and the money’s for a good cause.

“What cause? ’Cause Brad and Hansie do nothing for nothing, of course.”

“So it’s over to the Hansie and Brad cricket show.”

Hello, Brad.

Hello, Hansie.

How are you Brad?

What’s it got to do with you?

Just asking.

Well, ask someone who cares.

Okay.

So Hansie, how are you feeling?

Fine. That’ll be ten bucks.

Ten bucks?

What, you expect me to answer for nothing?

But I thought we were friends.

Exactly, that’s what friends are for. Didn’t you know?

So Hansie it looks as though we’re in business, the first question is up on our screen.

On screen: Hansie, could you tell us what you thought of the pitch this morning? – Piet from Potgietersrus.

What’s it worth to you?

On screen: What do you mean?

I mean, d’ya expect me to give you valuable information like that for nothing. Hell, when I was in India ...

Look, there’s another one Hansie.

I see it Brad.

On screen: Brad, why do you think South Africa has chosen an all-pace attack for today’s game? – John from Jeffreys Bay.

How the hell am I supposed to know? Probably because they haven’t got any spinners, you idiot. Why don’t you go and catch a wave and leave cricket to the experts.

That’s telling them Brad.

Thanks Hansie.

Oops! there’s another question.

On screen: Hansie, do you think Gibbs will get among the runs today? After all he’s in great form. – Fan from Uitenhage.

Just a minute Fan, let me check. Uhmmm! Ja, Hirschy will get some runs today, but not more than 30 – if he remembers. Fifty bucks, please. Just pay it directly into the account, the number’s on the bottom left of your screen.

Good money, hey Hansie.

Sure, Brad. When you know how.

I’m learning. I’m learning.

I bet you are Brad. Ooops, there’s another question coming up.

On screen: Brad, what are the chances of rain in PE today? – Fiona from Ficksburg.

How the bloody hell do you expect me to know? Who do you think I am? God? Anyway, you know I’m so bloody useless I couldn’t even beat ten women and wimps to win the million. How do you expect me to understand the weather forecast?

Easy Brad. Easy. Don’t intimidate the punters too much. You’ll never get rich that way.

Hell, Hansie, I’m such a loser I’ll never get rich anyway.

Don’t despair, Brad, don’t despair. I mean, look at me. There I was earning a miserable million or so a year until I learned how to make a bit on the side.

But wasn’t that cheating?

So? You mean you never cheated in the house?

A little.

So, given the chance, would you have cheated your way to the million bucks?

Perhaps. If I had dreamed up a workable scheme.

Of course, there’s always that, isn’t there.

What?

A little imagination.

What’s imagination?

Let’s skip it Brad. What would you like to talk about?

Me!

You ?

Yes. But there’s only one problem.

What’s that?

I don’t have anything to say.

That follows.

Let’s talk about the cricket.

Good idea. What do you want to know?

That depends ...

On what?

On what I can afford. You’re kinda expensive you know, Hansie.

Only way to go, Brad, only way to go. I mean, do you know the price of a round of golf nowadays?

Who cares? Those idiots out there are paying me R5000 an hour to make public appearances. That’s 5000 bucks ...

Message on the screen: As the greatest showman of all time said: ‘There’s one born every minute’.

Ja, and aren’t I pleased about that.

Just think about it, Brad, if you’d managed to stay in the house for a few more weeks those suckers out there would be paying R10000 an hour.

Really?

Hell, Brad I should know.

You mean that when Foul-mouthed Ferdi gets out he’ll be getting more than me.

Sure, M-Net will put him on the Supersports bar circuit.

M-Net?

Why not. They specialise in bad taste. Look what they’ve done for us.

Ain’t life beautiful ...

That it is Brad, that it is. I wonder what the poor people are doing today.

Don’t Brad, it’s not worth it.