Some of our family conflicts are more serious, more potentially harmful, than we would like to acknowledge.
A certain level of family conflict is inevitable, and a good mechanism is needed to iron out differences, achieve new and better understanding, and to work towards a healthy resolution.
At this constructive, healthy level, conflict is a family asset, something to be cherished and developed. But there are several categories of family conflict that can become cyclical and extremely harmful.
Some of them are difficult to identify, and even harder to discuss openly. We often avoid these conflicts, or the people that are involved in them. We make concessions that we should not have made, and resentment and secondary conflicts start creeping into our families.
People uninvolved in original feuds of years ago are directly or indirectly dragged into these spirals of family battles, and overall the general love and harmony that we would like to see in our families is affected, reduced or even destroyed. Repetitive patterns start appearing in these conflicts.
The consequences of these unresolved family conflicts can lead to divorce, bitter enmity, litigation and negative consequences for family businesses.
My work nationally shows that, with very few exceptions, we grin and bear these damaging relationships, we look the other way, we accept them as the way things are. We hide it all from others, we hide it from ourselves. Maybe next year things will be better.
Several obstacles make effective resolution difficult in these instances. Most of us simply do not have the updated level of skill required to manage these conflicts efficiently and safely. No-one wants to do the unpopular work, or say the hard things that may need to be said. Taking charge of the necessary processes that must be executed takes time, and often leads to secondary conflicts.
We may not be seen as neutral enough, or our own histories may have contributed to these conflicts, effectively neutralising us as effective guides for the work that needs to be done.
For anything other than the most basic of family conflicts, an expert, experienced conflict practitioner or mediator is really the only solution.
The most difficult step is the first step: acknowledging that a family conflict is harmful and serious enough to deserve that outside intervention.
You can contact Andre Vlok at andre@conflict1.co.za for questions and comments.
