Which god will wash away the sin of America’s attack on Iran

Modernity is a hot mess right now, so it’s possible that after the hustle of Moon Day you’re taking things easy on Tiw’s Day and might only read this on Odin’s Day, or perhaps Thor’s Day, before you reach Frigg’s Day and then relax on Saturn’s Day and Sun Day.  

But whenever you do read it, try to spare a thought for poor old Tiw and Frigg, once A-listers among the Germanic gods but now, without even a walk-on in a Marvel movie, relegated to being little more than the answers to pub quizzes.  

They’re not alone, of course: there’s a whole pantheon of divine has-beens, gods who were revered and beseeched by our ancestors but who are now little more than historical footnotes. 

Consider Baal, once the go-to god of the Canaanites on all matters climatic and agricultural, a being so powerful that his name meant “Lord”.  

But things change, and as soon as the early Israelites decided monotheism was more of a vibe and retired all their gods except Yahweh, the one in charge of war and weather, Baal was kicked to the heavenly curb.  

It also didn’t help that he was still being worshipped by the Philistines next door, and before you could say “Holy rebranding!” the beloved deity formerly known as Lord had become Baal-zebub and then Beelzebub, one of the princes of hell.  

Over the weekend as I watched the pagan US president take a moment away from worshipping Mammon and himself to ask Yahweh to bless the US, Israel and the Middle East (because apparently Israel isn’t in the Middle East), I was reminded of how transient our gods really are, perhaps because so many of their followers are prone to changing their entire set of beliefs when it suits their earthly interests.

Of course, the most recent and dramatic change has been among the Maga faithful who, within the space of a single night, went from being furiously and aggressively opposed to US military adventurism abroad to explaining that it’s not really a war when you fly halfway round the world to drop the biggest non-nuclear bomb in the US arsenal on a sovereign state. 

The justifications have been comedy gold, such as US
vice-president JD Vance claiming that the US is at war with Iran’s nuclear programme and not the country itself.

Unsurprisingly, the internet is awash with satire about Pearl Harbor, from Emperor Hirohito channelling Trump in a tweet (“A very successful attack... NOW IS THE TIME FOR PEACE!”) to explanations that Japan was merely at war with the US Pacific fleet and not the US. 

Beyond the jokes though, the unblushing abandonment of international law by what before Gaza was called the “rules-based order” does seem to set up some intriguing precedents. I mean, if someone were to launch a hypersonic missile out of orbit at the Pentagon couldn’t they simply claim their beef was with five-sided buildings, not the US, and warn the US not to escalate?  

Then again, is this a new precedent or simply a re-enactment of our ancient past, the sort of thing powerful men inevitably start doing when they believe this or that god is on their side? After all, if Ahura Mazda is with us — no, wait, I mean Baal — no, sorry, I mean Yahweh — or do I mean white evangelical Jesus, the one who hates the poor and gay people?

Whatever. That one. If he’s with us, who can be against us? I wonder what Tiw and Frigg think about it all. 

• Eaton is an Arena Holdings columnist.