There seems to be a huge focus on happiness these days, specifically in relationships.
We increasingly meet couples who are either miserable in their marriages or are divorcing — all because one partner can no longer make the other happy.
The destructive nature of the belief that someone else, with flaws and deep-seated needs of their own, has a full-time duty to make one happy in marriage detracts from the real meaning and purpose of marriage.
Our obsession with “happiness” often exalts hedonism at the expense of what really matters in marriage, and further seeks to disregard the sacred truth that marriage is for better or worse.
The truth is we live in a society of clichés, sound bites and fitting in.
We have a generation that cares less about the discipline of time and sacrifice, yet have a fantasy of a “forever after”.
They want trust without the patience of building; faithfulness without the investment of integrity; and love without the discipline of commitment.
But in a world filled with thorns and thistles, happiness is a short-lived feeling. And bad things do happen to good people.
As such, we don’t always have to bail out of marriage just because we are treated in a manner that’s undeserving — which makes us “unhappy”.
The world owes us no great marriages. Such marriages are diligently and patiently worked on.
When people leave or think about leaving a relationship because “they aren’t happy”, we don’t believe it’s really about happiness.
Instead, we feel it’s about conflict that a couple has been unable to resolve.
Over time, unresolved conflict creates an environment of hurt, and likely resentment.
That, in turn, creates tension in the marriage, as one or both members feel their needs aren’t being met and they aren’t being heard.
Over time, this leads to a perpetual state of tension within the marriage, which is emotionally draining.
With broken connection and a state of tension, a couple will have a harder time finding happiness even in the good parts of the marriage and instead will focus more on the problems as they become magnified. And this will result in unhappiness.
Conflict doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage. It means you’re normal.
Conflict is as unavoidable as death, and is a byproduct of two different people building a life together.
If you’re being real in your marriage, you won’t always agree and you won’t always get along, and that’s all right.
Being unhappy isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom.
It’s important to understand that so you can do something about it.
What does happiness looks like?
It’s easy to say we’re pursuing happiness but what are we actually saying?
Even fairy tales, those fantastic stories dealing with everything magical and wondrous, leave that part out.
“They lived happily ever after”, the story says, but it’s not a coincidence this is not actually shown.
For all their magic and fantasy, fairy tales are actually more responsible in this regard than the pop culture that pretends to stipulate what a person should strive for to be happy.
And this often has to include cars, fancy clothes, jewellery, houses, money, and so on.
Other times, we are supposed to believe happiness is about, say, having a successful, always-smiling family.
Being rich, however, will certainly not bring the same amount of joy to everyone.
Not all people are wired to find satisfaction in material possessions.
The same goes for having the “perfect” marriage.
Furthermore, society’s unhealthy approach to this by-the-numbers kind of hopeful nirvana can make those who don’t really fit into any mainstream category of the “happy ideal” feel like failures.
This is one of the main problems about happiness: there’s no actual recipe, no formula, no guarantee you’ll find what sparks it in a way that you’ll be able to be blissful all the time.
Different things make different people happy at different times, and we must all accept that none of us will really be permanently happy.
Happiness is mostly selfish:
Selfishly focusing on what a relationship does or doesn’t do for one — while obviously important — will hinder it from thriving.
A marriage should never just be about what one person is getting out of it.
Both partners’ needs and wants have to be respected and valued, even when they don’t completely match up. There has to be compromise.
For marriages to be successful, the focus needs to shift from what the relationship does for me to what it does for us.
It needs to be a partnership that is mutually beneficial; and where people are just as interested in what they can add to it as what they get out of it.
Lastly, when you don’t depend on your spouse to be the source of your happiness and joy, you allow them room to be human.
You also cease to idolise them.
We always tell singles, they are not ready for marriage if they can’t be happy being single.
While your spouse should enhance your happiness, you should never rely on them to be the source of that happiness.
It’s unfair on yourself, and certainly your spouse because you’re asking of them something they have no capacity to provide.
And you will be a very lonely and frustrated married person if you place such expectations on your spouse.
Happiness is a very weak pursuit in marriage.
Peace and satisfaction, rather, are far better pursuits.
Happiness will then be a by-product of that pursuit.
Shared meaning is everything, and again, happiness is overrated.
Never doubt your marriage journey just because of the circumstances you find yourselves in as a couple.
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